User blog:JKGame/JK: Junior Kritic - Luigi vs Tails by Calobi Productions' Cartoon Rap Battles
Fun fact: I was close to finishing this review when I accidentally clicked on something and thus took me to another site, erasing my entire progress. Now I'm really pissed. So yeah, The Junior Kritic is back, this time here to review a battle from Calobi Productions. In case you don't know who this guy is, he's infamous in the cartoon communtiy for his clickbaity videos about animation errors or details you apparently missed in a show's intro and in these said videos he drones on and on with points that either make no sense or are extremely obvious and all of it is squeezed into ten minutes to put in midroll ads and get all that sweet, sweet YouTube money. And now for some reason, he decided to make rap battles. I chose this particular battle because Luigi's Mansion 3 just came out and I figured reviewing a battle starring Luigi would be a good way of celebrating that. As for this matchup, it's fine, but it's freakin' boring. I can think of more creative matchups with either of these two honestly. And this series is called Cartoon Rap Battles, so what are Luigi and Tails, who are VIDEO GAME characters, doing here? Yeah, they starred in cartoons, but that's like saying Goku should be in Smash because he starred in video games despite being primarily an anime character. So is this battle worth speeding to Calobi's channel to see? Or does it suck like Luigi's Poltergust? Let's find out. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ds49tuKLhh4 Green Mario vs The Color of Pee Cartoon Rap Battles (Introducing one unenthusiastic announcer. Seriously, he rivals the Playstation All-Stars Battle Royale announcer that "yelled" the name in the title screen in terms of unenthusiasm. Or that female Source Rap Battle announcer.) Luigi. (Man, the announcer sounds really bored out of his mind, or maybe he's disappointed at the matchup.) vs. Tails (Nothing to say here, though Tails looks kind of weird here.) Begin. 'Luigi:' Who thinks they can beat me? A fox versus Luigi (Luigi doesn't sound awful, but the attempt at an Italian accent here is pretty poor. Also, who's they, Luigi? Who are you referring to? Tails and his friends?) You're soft can't you see. I'll kick you in the knee (It's only the second line and I'm already to struggling to find things to say because how basic these lines are.) Who are you kidding? Your as strong as a stick (Didn't you already diss Tails for being weak? And in the last line as well? Do you have short-term memory loss? And what dance is this? I'd try it out myself, but nah. Also, keep this animation in mind for you will see it again. and again.) Everyone knows your just Sonic's sidekick (Yeah, everyone does. Your point? If you're trying to diss Tails, then congrats! You just dissed yourself as well! And look at Sonic. I know he's supposed to be mad, but he looks like he's at a fast food place trying to choose between two things on the menu.) Looking at you really makes me wanna hurl (This battle really makes me wanna hurl. Tails here looks like he's disappointed in his son or something.) Answer this question: are you a boy or a girl? (He's a boy. He's voiced by a female, but that's common with kid characters in media. What are you trying to infer here? That Tails is secretly trans? Or that he's some sort of trap like a furry Chihiro Fujisaki?) It's suppa duppa that a Koopa Troopa choose a bazooka (In what scenario did a Koopa ever wield a bazooka? Was there a Super Mario Bros and Call of Duty crossover that I didn't know about? This looks like Calobi wanted to make a rhyme scheme and did so by choosing a bunch of random words that rhymed and smushed them together into one incoherent line.) My crew of crookas will form a group-a on your bootah! (Augh, don't focus on Tails' butt, you creepy freaks! What the heck are crookas, anyway? Do you mean goombas? I guess so based on this scene. And what could you possibly mean with this line?) 'Tails:' Every single one of your games is a curse (Tails sounds okay, but he sounds like a whiny girl. And yes, all of the Mario games are a curse, as in playing them will definitely totally get you a phone call about how you will get killed in seven days by Mario himself.) If we had a race we all know who'd come first (Luigi would, of course. He just needs to throw a blue shell at you and he's in the lead!) I'll fly over the greenhills and wow you with my speed (You just bragged about how fast you are, Tails!) I asked your girlfriend on a date and she agreed (The most boring "steal yo girl" line ever. Gotta give credit to the Infinite Source for one thing: as much as he overuses this kind of line, at least he TRIES to make them somewhat clever.) My life is full of fun while you're just a plumber (Yes, your life sure is full of fun with crisises happening all the time with the world once ending and your games sucking more and more. Sounds like a great ol' time! And what is going on here? Did Tails just eat a bunch of Halloween candy and is having a sugar rush?) You're a sidekick of Mario. Could you be any dumber? (Was Mario having a seizure while standing up at the start there? Don't know what that's all about. And how does being with Mario make one dumb? Does he inflict brain damage to anyone he sees?) When I'm with Sonic you better get outta my path (My goodness, Tails, get your face outta my...uh...face!) I can smell you on the way here. It's time to take a bath (Tails looks like he's headbopping to this beat, and if that's the case, then I'd ask why since this isn't even a good beat! It's just Green Hill Zone! And not remixed to sound catchier or more epic! And this line stinks. Pun intended. Would've worked for Wario since being gross is actually part of his character.) 'Luigi:' You can fly all day. I don't mind taking the stairs (But you can fly too, Luigi. Did you forget the tanooki leaf, the feather, and the P-Wing?) I don't need to shower 'cause I'm washed with your tears (The way Luigi said "tears" sounded weird, like the audio got warped or something. And "tears" and "stairs" don't rhyme.) You're getting on my last nerves (This battle's getting on my last nerves. Why is Calobi's OC (Presumably) moonwalking in the ring? And why does he explode at the end or...turn into a big pile of poop? Maybe he knows that he's crap and is being self-aware. But if that was supposed to be an explosion, then it’s a terrible-looking one at that. Even the explosions in Mighty No. 9 looked better!) Don't let me call my brother (You're acting like Mario's your mom and you're about to tell on Tails for bothering you. And don't drag Mario into this, please.) The only one that loves you in the world is your mother (Did we ever see Tails' mom canonically? Let me know.) 'Tails:' I'll stop drop and roll then I'll dodge your shell (The animation really took a dive here, my god.) You wear that hat all day 'cause you're a walking L (L Lawliet already walks in the first place. He just doesn't sit. He only crouches 'cause apparently sitting down lowers his IQ. Plus, he never wore a hat before from my knowledge. In all seriousness, this is probably the most decent line in this battle.) It's getting kinda late I need some food in my tummy (...Why did you bring this up now?) The fact that Nintendo owns you is kinda scummy (How is owning a character that you yourself made scummy? What, with EA and their fetish for lootboxes, Bethesda and their handling of Fallout 76, Activision shoving microtransactions into Crash Team Racing when it clearly didn't need them? Nah, those are tame compared to what Nintendo did! They own Luigi!) You better quit dissin for I make a diss track (Yeah, you don't mess with Tails. What, you didn't hear about his feud with Machine Gun Eggman and his diss track on the guy?) And roast your sense of fashion 'cause that is what you lack (Again, back away! And who are you to talk about fashion when you wear nothing but shoes!) Don't try to push me. You don't wanna see me angry (Didn't know Tails was actually Bruce Banner.) Where is my food? I think I left it in the pantry (You know, if you were so hungry, maybe you should've ate before coming here instead of wasting lines on talking about how much you're starving! Is this Tails, or did Ilyana from Fire Emblem become a fox and somehow ended up here? Or is Elma from Dragon Maid actually a kitsune and she's now battling Luigi for some reason?) I don't need help. No one needs to save me (Didn't we see this animation before? And Tails, remember when you had to be saved by Classic Sonic in Forces? Don't need help my ass!) Winning is like taking candy from a baby (You know what? Let's pull a counter for reused animations in this battle. Reused Animation: 2) I wish my best friends were here to see me win (You're telling me they didn't show up to support you? Then I don't think they're exactly your best friends if they didn’t bother to appear at an important competition you're partaking in.) Can you tell the audience where is your chin? (Cursed image right there. This line doesn't work since Luigi is not that fat. You can clearly see his chin in official pictures of him.) 'Luigi:' Don't tell me how to live that is not your place (Why do these guys love getting up close to the screen? It feels like I'm in a staring contest!) Your a fox for crying out loud. I'll spray you with the mace (Wha-what? How do you spray something with a mace? You don't spray anything with it! You swing it around! It's not pepper spray or anything of the sort!) I am older so you should do what I say (Tails looks like he's trying to fly by flapping his arms. You can fly with your tail, you know.) I am the best character at the end of the day. (Wow. What a boring finisher. And it ends with Luigi once again staring right into my face. Maybe he's trying to give his Death Stare on Tails, though he doesn't look remotely angry.) So, that was it, and...wait, that's odd. The video's not even close to being finished. How long is this video- TEN MINUTES?! No rap battle video should even be that long! The only ones that do reach that mark are long royales like Kefka vs Giygas 2 or Eyeless Jack vs Laughing Jack! But this was just a simple 1 on 1! What's more to be done? Well, considering the guy who made this, I shouldn't be surprised. Let's see what's next. Oh, it's just Luigi and Tails talking. Skip. Round 2. (Round 2? Why not just make this into one continous battle instead of adding that pointless talking scene in between?! Or maybe break this part off for a potential sequel!) 'Luigi:' Luigi is here back again for another round (Reused Animation: 3. The "I'm back for another round!" cliche. And it's not in a sequel where that line would be.) I'll lock you up and send you back to the pound! (...I've got nothing.) You claim you got rhyme but you really shoulda brought it (Reused animation: 4. Seriously, we just had this animation! This battle had a team of animators behind it, and the video took THREE MONTHS!) Ya got two tails but you're still the tail of Sonic (Reused Animation: 5. I guess Luigi is trying to say that Tails will always be behind Sonic, even though that's hypocritical since the same could be said with Luigi and Mario.) I wanna relax and just stay at home (Same for me, Luigi. Also, Reused Animation: 6) With the Princess Peach and Mario on the phone (Why on the phone specifically? Why not be with them in person? It's not like you're distant from them.) To win and get the golden trophy is my mission (Just like everyone that's been in a rap battle, minus the trophy part. You're not unique, Luigi. This animation goes on for a while, and it looks like a fourth grader made it.) Watch me disappear like a freakin' magician! (But I bet you won't do it as flawlessly and impressively as the one and only Great and Powerful Trixie!!!! Seriously though, I bet even she can disappear better than Luigi. Can you also make this video disappear, too, Luigi?) 'Tails:' I'll win this dumb fight if it takes all my might (Look, even Tails knows this battle's stupid!) If this battles a tie then we'll be here all night (No, no, please! I want this to end already! Please don't keep me up all night here!) My flow is so cold just like the winter breeze (You could've referenced an ice level from your games if there was one, but instead you went the generic route. Yippee.) I'd teach you how to rap if you'd just say please (I like how Tails is supposed to be wearing shades, but the way it's drawn makes it look like he's wearing a blindfold one would wear when sleeping.) Everytime you rap you make me chuckle (Change "chuckle" to "want to end myself" and I'd agree with you.) I'll smash your teeth out with my knuckle (You could've referenced Knuckles the Echidna here. The opportunity was right there! But no, you just went with a filler threat. And what was up with the delivery of this line? Sounds so strange.) I'm not gonna lie. You're just a pest (The colors are oddly...faded, I guess. This scene just doesn't look as colorful as the rest of the battle.) You and Mario just stalk the princess (That's some terrible stalking if you're right next to Peach. Get some distance. Besides, Peach looks like she doesn't mind being watched and is actively trying to seduce the brothers or something, eugh.) Just sip some tea and accept your fate (Why is your verse way longer than Luigi's? And twice this happens! This is a really bad case of the Caitlyn Jenner syndrome.) Soon the Eggman will annihilate (Annihilate what or who? Luigi? And here it doesn't look like Luigi and Eggman are actually running in that space. Looks like they're running in front of a Mario wallpaper or something.) There's only one Tails. You need a calculator (This animation is looking worse and worse as it goes on. And what is this now, math class? I think Luigi already knows there's only one Tails.) I'm going to another world. Catch ya later (What world are you going to? Back to your world? The world of Persona or Shin Megami Tensei? (That'd be cool, actually.) The MLP world? WATERWORLD WITH KEVIN COSTNER?) 'Luigi:' Every single character is lame beside me (Even your brother? You arrogant prick. Getting three Mansion games and getting your own year must have really inflated your ego.) Slide the fork. I'll slurp you like spaghetti (Is there an earthquake going on here? Maybe the world saw Luigi dabbing here and found it too cringe to handle. Also, what does this line mean? Does it mean you're gonna eat him...NO, NO, NO! Do not drag me down that rabbithole! No, god, please no!) My stacks are fat just like my boy Bowser (Bowser keeps invading your kingdom and stealing the princess. When did he become your boy? And if he is your boy, then why did you just diss him?) Where is Amy Rose? I think I found her (Reused Animation: 7. What, are we playing Hide-And-Go-Seek? Or did Amy now replace Waldo and this is secretly an ad for the new book Where's Amy?) I feed you mushrooms and give you jawbreakers (Nice of you to notice how hungry Tails was and trying to feed him. Good on ya!) You got zero friends 'cause there wasn't any takers (And it just ends. No indication that the battle's over, not even with the beat. It feels like the battle was still going on and the video just turned off.) And there are still four more minutes, What could possibly be left now? The answer? More pointless scenes! There's something about an evil broccoli for some reason and a rock with a ice cream sandwich on his head. There's also a dragged out outro with Calobi trying to sound like he really cares about you. Sorry, but you're not convincing me, man. So that was Luigi vs Tails by Calobi Productions, and my god, was it dreadful. The animation, while not horrible, felt lazy and repetitive. The rapping was crap. The lyrics were some of the most generic lines I have ever seen. I don't think I saw ONE reference besides mentioning some characters. No Luigi's Mansion reference. No Mario is Missing reference. No Sonic references. NOTHING! I could literally replace Luigi and Tails here with say, Joker from Persona 5 and Rainbow Dash, and aside from a few changes, and the lyrics wouldn't feel out of place! That's how basic these lines are! And again, this had a team of animators! And this battle took three months! I, and other rap battle makers, could have made more than one high-quality battles in that timespan! He's even selling these on ITunes, as if they're actually worth buying and listening to! To quote Just Stop, "Comparing these to Epic Rap Battles, let alone selling these on ITunes like they're actual rap worth listening to is an insult to them and every other working artist trying to make good bars for their fans." I'd also like to add that these battles are an insult to rap battle makers who are actually trying to make good fanmade battles. Overall, a boring mess made solely to get views and money. That's all I have to say. And that was my review! Hope you enjoyed and feel free to suggest any potential battles for me to take a look at! I'm personally thinking of looking at Wiki battles. How about that? I also have a new rap battle that will be out soon. I may as well reveal the matchup and cover: Kimihito Kurusu (Monster Musume) vs Tetsuo Takahashi (Interview with Monster Girls)! Thanks for reading and I'll see you next time! Now if you excuse me, I have the moon to pee on. Category:Blog posts